Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
