How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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