Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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