i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
