nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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