i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
