Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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