what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
