i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I will be naked everywhere
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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