The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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