I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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