I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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