i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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