my phone needs a breathalizer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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