i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm passing your future prison.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
