Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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