she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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