so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
