I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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