I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
