Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
