I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
