remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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