Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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