There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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