Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
