My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
