Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
