I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
