You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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