R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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