He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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