kristin has been a bad kristin
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize