oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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