I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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