STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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