U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
