Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
