If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
