I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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