M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
