My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He felt like a one man threesome
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
