There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
