you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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