dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize