OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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