I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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