I think my vagina is haunted
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
