Just fell off a train. Bad.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
