i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
