You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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