i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
