I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
