woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
