For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
