I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize