I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
